By Justus Flair | firstname.lastname@example.org | @justus_flair
The Chillary Clinton: lemonade and Jeremiah Weed
“Will chilling in Cedar Rapids make these whippersnappers believe I’m hip and cool?” — Clinton, probably #ChillingInCedarRapids
Hungover Hillary: champagne and orange juice (mimosa)
Perfect for when you’re trying to keep it together, but need a little forgetting a rough night – say, when you came in third in your last caucus.
The Bourbon Sanders: Bourbon as aged as Bernie (that is, if you can find a bourbon from 1941, when he was born) ginger beer, and lemon zest
Drinking this, you’ll be like Bernie giving a speech — progressively sloppier and louder as you put them back.
The Blazin’ Bernie: Fireball and Diet Coke
Simple, just like Bernie says all his solutions are.
Martini O’Malley: Irish whiskey, vodka, dry vermouth, and a little lemon garnish
This drink compiles everything you know about O’Malley: he’s Irish.
Abs-olutely Marvelous Martin: Absolut vodka and Sprite
Do yourself a favor: look up a shirtless picture of O’Malley. Dem abs, doh. And if you’re worried about your own abs, substitute Diet Sprite.
Tequila Ted: tequila, grapefruit juice, and bittersweet tonic water
Don’t forget to salt the rim — you know Ted’s a little salty.
Cruz Control: tequila, Blue Curaçao, UV Cherry, Sprite, and Grenadine (Shark Attack shot)
Blue and red, this drink is as patriotic as Cruz’s lapel pin.
Rubio on the Rocks: rum and a splash of coconut milk
Serve it as rocky as Rubio’s campaign in Iowa.
Miami Mister: Malibu, orange juice, pineapple juice, and a hint of cherry
This is the only “fruity” thing Rubio will support. Be sure to add a little umbrella.
Top-Shelf Trump: Gold Patrón
Just take a shot. Repeat. Continue until you’ve emptied out your bank account.
It won’t take you as long as it would Trump.
The Gin-ger: gin, simple syrup, and orange garnish
If everything Trump says starts making sense, stop drinking.
Branstad BFF: whatever Gov. Terry Brandstad picks
When in Iowa, drink like your Iowa best friend.
Captain Christie: Captain Morgan and soda
After knocking a couple of these back, you’ll be “telling it like it is.”
Just Jeb: vodka, Triple Sec, cranberry juice, and lime juice (Cosmopolitan)
Everyone knows about it, it has so much promise but is ultimately disappointing. Sound familiar?
Big Bush Shadow: bourbon, raspberry liqueur, sweet and sour mix, and lemon juice
Dark and all-consuming, this drink is aptly named. Once you get stuck, there’s no escape.
Ben’s Brandy: brandy and bitters
After a few sips, you’ll find sleep as easily as Carson does.
Carrying Carson: vodka and lemon juice
A favorite of older women, though no one really knows why.
PBRick: preferably a can
Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) thinks it reps the working class, but we all know you have to be
at least a little pretentious to crack one of these open.
Sandy Santorum: Rumchata and Fireball (cinnamon toast crunch shot)
It used to be really popular — maybe even won a caucus — but now everyone is kind of over it.
“Who?” – the bartender
Jimmy Boy: a glass of water
You thought maybe it had a shot, but it turns out not.
Rowdy Rand: any shot
College Republicans in Iowa City are always yelling for two things: Rand and shots.
Pickled Paul: vodka and pickle juice
This drink is as sour as Paul’s outlook on the race.
Kinky Karly: Kinky Blue and Sprite
Classic Kinky is pink, and we wouldn’t want to force a feminist color on Carly.
Kamikaze Karly: vodka, Triple Sec, and lime juice (kamikaze shot)
Everyone starts off on board, then quickly swears off after a bad experience.
Koastal Kasich: tequila, orange liqueur, and lime juice
More popular on the East Coast, no one in Iowa has really gotten a taste of this drink.
Clear-Cut Johnny: Everclear and punch
A little of this goes a long way — like John’s hoping his tiny bit of campaigning in Iowa will.
Hot Huckabee: peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate
The aftertaste lingers far past its welcome — a tendency some people have, as well.
Magic Mike: Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a shot of vodka
For when it’s going to take some magic to make your night a winner.