Illustration by Zebedia Wahls for The Daily Iowan
Illustration by Zebedia Wahls for The Daily Iowan

The 2016 Iowa caucus candidates, as drinks

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By Justus Flair | justus-flair@uiowa.edu@justus_flair

As Iowans pledge support to candidates during the caucuses on Feb. 1, the voting season will begin. Whether that stresses you out or gets your blood pumping in anticipation, you could probably use a drink to help you navigate the minefield that is the 2016 presidential election.
To guide you, here are the caucus candidate cocktails:

 

DEMOCRATS

HILLARY CLINTON

The Chillary Clinton: lemonade and Jeremiah Weed
“Will chilling in Cedar Rapids make these whippersnappers believe I’m hip and cool?” — Clinton, probably #ChillingInCedarRapids

Hungover Hillary: champagne and orange juice (mimosa)
Perfect for when you’re trying to keep it together, but need a little forgetting a rough night – say, when you came in third in your last caucus.

BERNIE SANDERS

cocktail-3-184x300The Bourbon Sanders: Bourbon as aged as Bernie (that is, if you can find a bourbon from 1941, when he was born) ginger beer, and lemon zest
Drinking this, you’ll be like Bernie giving a speech — progressively sloppier and louder as you put them back.

The Blazin’ Bernie: Fireball and Diet Coke
Simple, just like Bernie says all his solutions are.

MARTIN O’MALLEY

Martini O’Malley: Irish whiskey, vodka, dry vermouth, and a little lemon garnish
This drink compiles everything you know about O’Malley: he’s Irish.

Abs-olutely Marvelous Martin: Absolut vodka and Sprite
Do yourself a favor: look up a shirtless picture of O’Malley. Dem abs, doh. And if you’re worried about your own abs, substitute Diet Sprite.

 

REPUBLICANS

TED CRUZ

Tequila Ted: tequila, grapefruit juice, and bittersweet tonic water
Don’t forget to salt the rim — you know Ted’s a little salty.

Cruz Control: tequila, Blue Curaçao, UV Cherry, Sprite, and Grenadine (Shark Attack shot)
Blue and red, this drink is as patriotic as Cruz’s lapel pin.

MARCO RUBIO

Rubio on the Rocks: rum and a splash of coconut milk
Serve it as rocky as Rubio’s campaign in Iowa.

Miami Mister: Malibu, orange juice, pineapple juice, and a hint of cherry
This is the only “fruity” thing Rubio will support. Be sure to add a little umbrella.

DONALD TRUMP

cocktail-1-copy-147x300Top-Shelf Trump: Gold Patrón
Just take a shot. Repeat. Continue until you’ve emptied out your bank account.
It won’t take you as long as it would Trump.

The Gin-ger: gin, simple syrup, and orange garnish
If everything Trump says starts making sense, stop drinking.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

Branstad BFF: whatever Gov. Terry Brandstad picks
When in Iowa, drink like your Iowa best friend.

Captain Christie: Captain Morgan and soda
After knocking a couple of these back, you’ll be “telling it like it is.”

JEB BUSH

Just Jeb: vodka, Triple Sec, cranberry juice, and lime juice (Cosmopolitan)
Everyone knows about it, it has so much promise but is ultimately disappointing. Sound familiar?

Big Bush Shadow: bourbon, raspberry liqueur, sweet and sour mix, and lemon juice
Dark and all-consuming, this drink is aptly named. Once you get stuck, there’s no escape.

BEN CARSON

Ben’s Brandy: brandy and bitters
After a few sips, you’ll find sleep as easily as Carson does.

Carrying Carson: vodka and lemon juice
A favorite of older women, though no one really knows why.

RICK SANTORUM

cocktail-4-1-241x300PBRick: preferably a can
Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) thinks it reps the working class, but we all know you have to be
at least a little pretentious to crack one of these open.

Sandy Santorum: Rumchata and Fireball (cinnamon toast crunch shot)
It used to be really popular — maybe even won a caucus — but now everyone is kind of over it.

JIM GILMORE

Gimme Gilmore
“Who?” – the bartender

Jimmy Boy: a glass of water
You thought maybe it had a shot, but it turns out not.

RAND PAUL

Rowdy Rand: any shot
College Republicans in Iowa City are always yelling for two things: Rand and shots.

Pickled Paul: vodka and pickle juice
This drink is as sour as Paul’s outlook on the race.

CARLY FIORINA

cocktail-2-copyKinky Karly: Kinky Blue and Sprite
Classic Kinky is pink, and we wouldn’t want to force a feminist color on Carly.

Kamikaze Karly: vodka, Triple Sec, and lime juice (kamikaze shot)
Everyone starts off on board, then quickly swears off after a bad experience.

JOHN KASICH

Koastal Kasich: tequila, orange liqueur, and lime juice
More popular on the East Coast, no one in Iowa has really gotten a taste of this drink.

Clear-Cut Johnny: Everclear and punch
A little of this goes a long way — like John’s hoping his tiny bit of campaigning in Iowa will.

MIKE HUCKABEE

Hot Huckabee: peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate
The aftertaste lingers far past its welcome — a tendency some people have, as well.

Magic Mike: Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a shot of vodka
For when it’s going to take some magic to make your night a winner.

 

This article is intended to be taken in jest and in no way reflects the opinions of The Daily Iowan Ethics and Politics Initiative.